Are you afraid of being alone?

This one question that left my eyes teary was.Will someone pick up the call if I call them mid night? - answer is sure shot (NO).

These days are not really great for me. I don't get the usual breakdowns like before. But I have this sudden ache in my heart and flashback of how people treated me since class 1. But i often crave for someone to listen to me. So that my head gets free.

I have beautiful people in my friends list offline and online. But its just that I don't get the love I want.

Hello,hope y'all doin good, i came to Quora to share my strange story , a very weird one , a story when luck smiled at me ,maybe u will enjoy it , let's begin,have fun... A year ago ,I was a real porn addicted(btw I was 18) ,but never had sex before, I don't have a gf I didn't try to find one even ,always thinking to go to find a sex worker but then I just don't , everyday watching different bodies getting fucked and everyday enjoying. One day, I was watching porn, a big ass lady with big boobs ,just after seeing her the image of my female cousin poped in my mind, (let's introduce her : she's 35 years old , very big ass , nice boobs ,not very big but nice,always wearing tight clothes , she's divorced ) and I thought of me fucking her ,I never had sexual desires for her but now I do days went by and when I met her I was so horny ,I couldn't stay with the family cz my penis was clearly erected , I realized this is my first time I get horny for one of my family ,it not illegal in my country.well to make a long story short( if u want details just text me I will tell u 😊),I decided to give her signs that I want to fuck her,finally I decided to have sex and with my cousin , I thought it is the best beggining for me, i started touching her when I came across her in a narrow place , make her feel my hard cock when we hug , I thought it will hard and I will be ashamed but no , I felt nothing and she said nothing , probably she thought it was by mistake,anyways, I decided then to talk with her about sex, waited for her to be alone in a room and talk with her, I confessed everything about me watching porn and addicted..etc,she said it's normal and u are growing up and u must have sex,well at that time I was like whaaat????? Well I didn't control myself and asked her for sex ( horny like I Ve never been before) she said that she will think Abt it ,2 weeka went by then she called me ,telling that she reserved a room in a hotel and we meet tonight ,we met,and bruuhh, sex is great , I mean, I had to find a pirstitue ,what I was waiting for to have such a feeling ????, I will never forget that night, I started kissing her she was kissing hard ,she misses sex so bad , she sucked my dick and swallowed my semen ,I felt I'm in a dream , then when fucked ,her ass was very big and the anus was open ,didn't struggle to get my hard cock inside it , she was obviously missing sex , she was shouting ,fuck me yh fuck me , I go fast after every word until I cum , we did that 3 times , then we went to her pussy , using condoms I fucked her so hard the moans were higher , everything was perfect ,in the end I asked her to lick her body , licked pussy ,ass, boobs,then she sucked my cock until we sleeped ,all I know that she was dirty ,well before even having sex with her I knew she is an open minded woman , and a woman that looks that she donesnt know anything , but she knows everything, but never expected having sex with her ,well she was horny and that helped...but no one of us regretted that sex ever.. We still have sex from time to time ,and I started having sex with sex workers , joining threesomes..etc If u want pics of her text me.

But my scars grew deeper & darker. So much so that I feel like no concealer nor any chemical peel treatment can fade them away.

I was complete emotionally dependent on him with my filtered version. He still doesn't know the real me( I was scared if I will loose him if I show him my real side).

Thank you for being here.

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No no it was not only him. As i have been mentioning in my answers that I have been replaced many times since childhood. That kinda haunts me now but this fact never bothered me before.

Yeah, yeah ik my outfit was straight out of fairytale.

I was always alone (no friends). Everyone around me were already in schools getting into high school. And I use to barely speak a word. As i was born late to my parents.

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Though now I'm sharing all to my bff(god). Although he watches me every sec and knows what exactly am doing.

Heheheh<3

I miss myself. But ik the real me…

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Image source - me

I use to feel always alone. Always. Though I had people around me and the most pampering childhood. But no one of my age who would understand my emotions well and play the exact game I want to. In schools I was introvert. If i ever made a friend I use to get replaced cause I was not like others. I was very calm. I did all the fun around people who i considered to be mine only bestie.

Understandable after all everyone is dealing with something or the other. That I have no idea about.

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At times I often think that is it me?Who was once geet…. complete package of chatter box anyone can ever find.

Someday my prayers, my tears, my faith , my hardwork everything is going to give me answers that am actually trying to find for.

Anyways after all this I got so humble yet so quiet.

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Which is true . I have no one.

I had no guts to make new friends. And then college happened.

Anyways people leave. So did he. He was different for me but he did leave……not leave actually he replaced me at the end just like everyone. Even after knowing my scars. He concealed it with some cheap concealer( which were ofcourse his promises). Afterall it was cheap concealer. As time passes cheap concealer leaves patches on your face. Which does look like fresh scars which were highlighted.

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So grateful that atleast god listens to me. Without giving me advices of how and why…blah blah.. he just listens.

Though these days I'm being hyped up by <3 Poonam in my comment section. Grateful that my virtual people are best than offline people.

Toodles🦭

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After continuously failing people laugh at me and my dreams.

As i was a kid.

The only song I want to dedicate is MAIN AGAR KAHOON..

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Im trying to learn about me. The day isn't so far when I completely be fine with being my ownself. After all everyone is so tired to have me around. Nor am being myself anymore.

Or maybe it did. But i didn't care. Or I was running from the fact that I have no one.

‘So I can't really expect someone to wipe my tears while they are bleeding internally”. - quote by me.

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But sometimes I crave to be seen when I'm quiet externally and my head is full of thoughts which trying so hard to get out, but me shutting it down everytime cause no body cares.

I was in hostel so it was all day studying hostel and not like pgs, nor Allen. It was like chaitnya and Narayana but some other college.

Yesterday my heart cried alot but not my eyes. Cause my eyes have no tears left. Now only my heart aches and cries. I may seem very quiet and happy in the outer world. But my inner world has collapsed so bad that I'm still finding my pieces to fix my heart’s puzzle. But how could I? I have left my parts with the people who never really cared about me.

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Although am still on the journey to heal my self so that my broken parts don't cut innocent people.

And do I have complains? - no not anymore.

I need to accept the fact that I have no one. Like no one….

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How immature…

Then i slowly developed this self love when I didn't even know what self love is. I loved my company. But as I entered into high school people around me forced to believe that you need people around. As I was always bullied in my high school.

I'm not looking for a boy to complete me.

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As I have already mentioned I was in relationship 🤡. So I use to feel he is going to be with me. Big big joke.

All the scars because some boy replaced me?

Am I afraid of being alone? Not really…..Ok! well sometimes ofcourse when I see on quora people being hyped in comment section by someone' who has they back, instagram besties and many more.

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I had good people around me. But eventually people fade or maybe I was just with them because I wanted to feel the void of my emptiness.